Confidence . This is a pain in the bum for so many people. We know we haven’t got it and we see that other people have it, we know that we may have had it in the past but what is it? What we are talking about here is self-confidence. Not whether you are a confident swimmer or confident in your bosses abilities.
I define self-confidence as not having a fear of negative judgement from significant others. I can personally say I don’t fear what other people think in most situations, however, I would probably have a reasonable level concern if I knew was going embarrass myself. It’s the fear or anxiety element that leads to avoidance behaviours, such as not going to social functions, being unable to speak in 1-2-1’s, small groups or in public. It can also be around fear of failing in front of people. If it amounts to an absolute need to be the best (or one of the best) and it’s therefore not worth even trying if that is not guaranteed then we are most likely looking at perfectionism.
The significant others aspect can be peers, colleagues, bosses, or strangers. It is anyone who you don’t want negatively appraising you. Self -confidence comes on a sliding scale from the psychopaths and narcissists on one side to the socially phobic on the other. It is possible that we all move up and down the scale at various times in our lives.
There’s a difference between not caring what others think (psychopath) and having healthy disregard. I term healthy disregard for what others think as doing and saying what you want as long as you balance your needs with those of others after you have weigh up the effects on them, an ultimately your relationships. For example,I wouldn’t go into the city centre naked, even if I loved my body and desperately needed to show it off. I would realise that I may offend the majority of people,plus my arrest would affect my family and probably my livelihood. However, if you feel self-conscious enough about messing up a joke in front of a group of friends so don’t bother to tell it then you probably self-conscious. If you have an intense fear of making a fool of yourself or being judged on your appearance than you probably have social anxiety. Especially if you avoid a lot of social situations because of this reason.
People may also fear suddenly being thrown into the spot light or offending someone, but it all boils down to a poor self-worth; not feeling good enough. The reasons for poor self-worth are a huge subject .
The good news is that the intense and even mild anxiety is avoidable. It is the inner-dialogues and beliefs that we hold that causes anxiety. If we tell ourselves that we must never be judged in a way we would hate by those we deem to have significant opinions and that it would be unbearable; and that we will be rejected or laughed at; and that it would confirm that we a defective in some way, then that will clead to anxiety as we anticipate the onslaught of shame.
This is in essence a scary, exaggerated interpretation of the truth. The truth, i.e. reality, is more along the lines of; our friends like us for who we are and are genuinely fond of us, and people we don’t really know aren’t really invested in whether they like us or not. So that if we really do make a fool of ourselves or look strange, they aren’t really going to attach much importance to it ( we assume they do. We are not high on their priority list). To rigidly demand that you must never make a fool of yourself puts yourself under immense pressure to perform perfectly every move. Telling yourself that it wold be so unbearable and excruciating suggesting you would fail to cope and get through it adds to the anticipated horror as does the suggestion that there will be future knock on situations and effects like social rejection ad ridicule. It all stems from and then leads back to a very poor sense of self worth.
If you don’t think very much of yourself compared to others you will make assumptions like this. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy because when we are nervous we become tongue-tied and can shake due to our brains being in a state called ” fight or flight”. This then reinforces our beliefs and endorses our fears. We then want to avoid situations which increases anxiety. Only when you face a fear can it be diminished. It can be done slowly and in a managed way. That is how I work with my clients.
I also get them to change the way they think and talk to themselves. To a way that is based on reality and is in perspective – rational- not based on assumptions and faulty predictions. Changing your thoughts and adopting behaviours that allow you to face what ever it is that you are anxious about will increase confidence. It takes work, there isn’t a magic wand.
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